For most of my life I have been disshevelled.
My hair never did what I wanted. It was short when long straight hair was fashionable. It was straight when curly hair was "in". My roots began to show about a week after I colored it. I had adolescent acne for much longer than most folks -- I actually had pimples and wrinkles simultaneously. Even on days when I felt like I looked okay (few and far between) I had clothes that got stained by some mysterious source, or wrinkled, or that just didn't fit right. My shoes were scuffed. My stockings ran. My mascara smudged. I felt like I was fighting the inevitable chaos of the Universe just trying to get out the door in the morning.
Many times in my life I have been overwhelmed. I'm naturally an introvert and on the shy side (though I'm well trained enough to deal with people that many folks are surprised when I tell them this). I've gone completely blank performing in a piano recital. I took heavy course loads in my studies. I accepted leadership roles for extroverts in organizations I joined (Rush Chair for the sorority? Sure!). In my personal life I was deeply disappointed romantically, and even early on in my relationship with the Beloved there were some very rough patches where I despaired of ever being with a life partner. Then we dealt with infertility, and adoption, and adolescences. Real adolescent issues. Lawyers were involved. I had one particularly difficult professional situation and all of my professional life required a vulnerability that could be exhausting. My mother used to scold us when we would try to make "a lazy man's load" of a task -- trying to carry too many things so we only had to make one trip instead of two, and then dropping things because it really was too much. I regularly tried to do a lazy man's load in my life. There were times when the despair got so deep that I needed both a therapist and medications.
Lately many of us have been discombobulated. Hence my 18 months of silence. We moved at the start of the pandemic and our young granddaughter was diagnosed with cancer. We 've spent the last 18 months in transit, never really having a chance to settle down, trying to juggle the emotional tasks of moving into my Mom's home, helping our children deal with their daughter's medical needs and the daily needs of their other children and EVERYBODY'S emotional needs. And since they live three hours away by car it's sometimes hard to know who and what is where, when we are needed, what we can and can't plan on. The short answer is don't plan on anything. Additionally we have all had to learn new patterns of social interactions. We have to remember to carry (and put on) a mask any time we leave our "bubble" -- when someone you love is undergoing chemo you take no chances. I'm still trying to fit the stuff I was unwilling to let go of into our space here and as a result things are not stored in "logical" places but in places available and where they would fit. Additionally, in retirement the Beloved has seriously taken up cooking, but does not organize a kitchen in a way that makes sense to me. Trying to accomplish certain tasks requires a scavenger hunt. Nothing is where it "should" be.
Disshevelled. Overwhelmed. Discombobulated.
But while I was driving yestserday, trying to finish up my Christmas preparations, I realized that there has been a shift. I think it happened when the earring appeared yesterday morning.
I have a habit of leaving things at the top or bottom of the stairs when they need to go up or down and I'm nor ready to make the trip just yet. There's usually more on the bottom stair then at the top, and there was a pile of papers that had waited several days to make their trip on high. I had looked at the pile when I went down in the morning, then walked past it on my way upstairs to get dressed for the day, then sat on the stairs to put on my shoes on my way out the door. I glanced at the papers and there, on top sat a gold earring that has been missing for MONTHS. Honestly. I was looking for it around my early autumn birthday because these earrings had been a birthday gift and I wanted to wear them and could only find one. I seearched everywhere and the partner was nowhere to be found. I debated getting rid of it, but it's sentimental so I put it back in the jewelry box.
Yet there it was, on the stairs. I hadn't been IN the jewelry box. I hadn't thought about those earrings for months. It had NOT been there when I came down in the morning, yet there it sat, right in the middle of that pile of papers. I asked the Beloved. He had no idea what I was talking about. Mom is out of the country. It's just us. I can't explain it.
But it got me thinking. There is magic, there is grace, there is joy in my life. I'm finally at a happy weight after a lifetime of yo-yo dieting and never reaching my goal (in the chaos of the last 18 months what I put in my mouth was the one thing I could control). I decided to let my hair go natural and strangers are complementing me on the grey with my silver Covid stripe. Then dermatologist who removed a small cancer cell from my eyebrow told me my hair was beautiful. I'm telling people the scar from the surgery came from a duel. At least twice when I have gone out bundled up against the cold strangers have stopped me and told me I look beautiful.
Our granddaughter is in remission. We have purchased a place that is "ours" - we'll continue to stay with Mom, but now have a get-away when she needs time away from us or we need time away from her. It's not too far and it's a bit closer to our kids. Our daughter and her husband have purchased and moved into their first home, no longer dependent on the whims of landlords. Both of our children are responsible adults, good parents, and they make us proud. We are learning how to be in ACTUAL retirement and how to enjoy our life.
We are making a list of what will live in the getaway, which will give things a home where we don't constantly have to shift boxes around to get to necessary items. There will be space freed up. We will be able to use items we love rather than storing them. It is December 23 and I will complete my Christmas preparations today after a week of easy preparations. There are one or two more packages to wrap and one batch of traditional cookies to make. Easy peasy. And yesterday after finding the magic earring (it's partner is NOT in the jewelry box, so it must be the one I had -- but how it made its way OUT of the box and down the stairs is a mystery!) I realized that I am in a good place. It made me think of a meme I saw of the area just beyond TSA security at the Milwaukee airport. It's got a large sign that says "RECOMBOBULATION AREA".
Shevelled. Whelmed. Recombobulated.
Merry Christmas.
