So, I'm struggling with some unintended humility on Ash Wednesday.
For the first time, the three English speaking congregations of my denomination in my town held a joint Ash Wednesday service. The congregation serving as the host church has had an interim pastor (that's a long-term substitute, for those of you who are not church savvy) for the last two years -- actually two of them who have been doing sort of a tag-team stint since the previous pastor died. Neither of these men believes that women should be pastors -- which is rather inconvenient since the pastor of the third church and I are both women.
When the committee decided to do the service there was some discussion about who would put it together. I volunteered to do it. One of the men (who previously had been unable to participate) decided he could do it. The tradition of our joint worships has been that one congregation hosts and their pastor puts together the service, then another pastor preaches, the third leads in the pastoral prayer.
As of yesterday, when I had had no contact about what I was supposed to do for this service, so I sent out an e-mail to the committee, asking them for information so I could be prepared. I got a note back from a layperson that the organizer was doing the whole thing himself.
I was sorely tempted not to go. But I think the co-operation between the churches is important, so I decided I would check my ego and look at it as an opportunity to just be a worshiper. The service was...well, not like what I would have put together. During the service he referred to the other (male) interim pastor and himself as "we pastors", ignoring the other female pastor and me, both of whom were sitting there, very visible in a small crowd.
I struggled again with whether or not I wanted to go up for ashes from this man. The whole thing offended me -- but I had to take into account that this could simply be my own pride talking. Again, I put my ego aside and went forward. Actually, I don't think he knew who I was, even after working together (admittedly on a somewhat limited basis) after two years.
Fortunately I had a very legitimate reason to skip the social time. But I'm still wrestling with all this. I'm ticked off, but I'm not sure if I have the right to be. I'm so tired of having to justify my ministry. This is not my first trip to the rodeo. I've been doing this for 33 years. And it's bad enough when you're dealing with "outsiders". When it's people within your own denomination...
Is it wrong to stand up for yourself when you know that you're also standing up for other people? for what you truly believe is right? How do I distinguish between my own pride and my sense of justice? Was I guilty of pride about my own humility?
And leading into Lent -- maybe those are the questions that I need to wrestle with this Lenten season. Sigh. And I thought I had dealt with the humility issue already. I hate having to relearn a lesson. May your Lenten journey bring you illumination and joy.
