I'm really tired tonight, so I'm not sure exactly how coherent this will be, but I wanted to get it down before I forgot it. I mentioned before that I got started thinking about the lies I tell myself to sabotage my own success. Since that time I've come up with two more.
Lie # 3 is "I Can Do This Myself." The variation is "I can do this BY myself." There are a few things I can do by myself -- brush my teeth, fold the towels, drive Rt. 22 in NJ -- but even those require lots of folks in the preparation, supply, etc. (See the blog entry "Oh, Really? in November 2011). I'm thinking more about instances where I take on huge projects, try to handle large burdens, and refuse to ask for help. Sometimes it's because I haven't planned well enough to ask anyone else to help, or I'm working out of instinct (and lets be honest, by the seat of my pants) and it would require me taking more time to explain what I need than to do what I need or to find someone who could read my mind to get things done. Part of it is an unwillingness to let go of control. If someone else does it, it may not get done the way I envision it, the way I want it.
And while I actually might be able to do something by myself, I know in my heart of hearts that something may indeed be better if other people participate, contribute, have control. They can see my blind-spots. Working together may do even more than make the finished project better (and leave me less stressed) -- it may have additional benefits and value, building trust and strengthening relationships.
Lie #4 is "If It's Hard I Don't Have to Do It." I spend a lot of time with clergy types who are struggling mightily with providing leadership in congregations, balancing rapidly changing paradigms and doing their best to provide spiritual nurture and care for congregations and to serve God with integrity. And yet so often, I hear a thread running through the conversation that is basically, "Well, that's good and it's something I/we should really do, but it's hard..." The light-bulb moment came when I realized that I had been saying that for years -- "I should lose weight, but it's hard." "I should go back to school, but it's hard." " I should learn how to do that, but it's hard." I suddenly realized, "When did "but it's hard' become a get-out-of-jail-free card?" When did anyone respond to "but it's hard" by saying, "Oh, then you don't have to do it"?
Lots of things in life are hard. Birth is hard. Love is hard. Parenting is hard. Change is hard. They are all worth doing. Sitting with the dying is hard. Sharing someone's pain is hard. Taking an unpopular stand because you can't do anything else and maintain your integrity is hard. And they are all essential if we are to be whole (or at least pretty healthy), mature adults. So when I hear my inner child whining, "but it's hard..." I'm working at responding by saying, "Yes, it is. And that doesn't let you off the hook, because you CAN do it." So can you.
Hey! Maybe would could help each other do that!
